counting sheep;

you are so not

worth this pain in
my abdomen.


somewhere between
sending you love
and scrubbing this
away, i lost
eternity.


i know you do
not care but that
five page text mes-
sage had my soul
embedded in-
side. i also
know you do not
care that i count
syllables and
they have to be
even numbers.


and i hate you.

i have come to the conclusion that i am the only person in the world that fixes peoples' hearts. why? because nobody has EVER tried to fix mine. how? i give them mine, until theres is okay, and when they're done they give it back into a million little pieces.

so, i hold back my tears and watch them settle for people like her, and hate people like me. when once upon a time, we frolicked in fields of tomorrow, and sweaty palms, and hoping that this lasts forever.

it happens everytime, and the outcome is still the same.

im single, and to be forreal..i dont think i have ever felt so free.(:

now, i think i can focus on me and my writing..try to. xD

my  week was going good, but i shoud've known something would ruin it. after being asleep for 3hrs, i find out that i apparently did things i didnt.

1) i wish people would stay outta my business and get in their own lives.
2) i don't like no shit like that.
3) i hope it gets better.
4) i'm pretty sure God has disowned me. i'm back to my oldways but i'm gonna start back praying..

i love my life.

God is truly amazing. and weed is great too, and i think i might have it right this time. :)

"i don't wash my pants, i like to keep the night on them."--nick, nick and norah's infinite playlist.

oh ya, and i love my friends. when i went to pick up my schedule i went a little early to conversate and we talked a little bit. they're amazinggg. :) they truly are.

it's about giving glory to Christ.

before i get into my post real good i want to rant that i hate waking up at 6 am and fightin to get back to sleep because sun is in my face...thank you.

now, i have never really truly believed in God. not like i am now. i started praying a few weeks ago at night then i got to where i would pray when i woke up and then i started during the day mostly just giving thanks to him. but i started having doubts and battles and decided what could hurt by me asking for strength, so i really started to do it daily&reading my Bible once a day( i have scriptures in my notepad on my cell now, :) ). and i noticed a little improvement in how i handled situations. and what a coincidence that my family started having financial troubles&me and my moms relationship kinda went to crap in a hr and i seriously started praying like 5xs a day, not counting before i went to bed and woke up. and i won't be specific, but He has really started blessing me in so many ways, especially today. and i've noticed i'll start thinking and BAM something else happens and i immediately pray and thank him, it's like he's answering me almost immediately. i've kinda sorta changed my life around i'm trying this whole not drinking or getting high but i still do smoke and i pretty much haven't sweared in the past 24hrs and it's getting easier the more i ask for strength. there is no way that i would have been able to deal with this if it wasn't for Him. if you show Him that you're trying and He sees it's honest and true in your heart...He WILL give you what you NEED, it might not be what or when you imagined but He'll definitely give it to you. everything He does has a reason and a season. if you give him a inch, He will give you a mile. i have noticed just by this small change what He has done, i can't even imagine if i COMPLETELY live by His Word. right now i'm trying to compromise with Him and i know you're not supposed to do that lol, but i think He knows eventually i'll come around.

another thing i noticed, the love that i feel in my heart, i was reading somewhere that our love and His love is completely different, you can't unconditionally love someone, if your boy/girlfriend broke up with you and called you the most vile things you can say would you still love them? no, that's conditional. He loves us no matter how many times we swear Him off, or say He isn't real or deny Him He still loves and cares, and watches over us. that's unconditional. and if He can love me after the things that i've done and hid in my heart, and thought...i'm pretty sure i can put a tremendous effort into obeying Him and showing/proving to Him how much i appreciate and love Him. his grace IS truly amazing. and step 1 is with this post. if i could return to Him a fraction of what He has given me in these past few days...i would be set. take this from a seventeen year old, hormonal, excutter, pot smoker, drinker, pill taker. He is the best thing that has happened to me and will be until the day i die. my life is His, and no one elses.(:

btw, i am nowhere near perfect and i try to do what i'm supposed to and live the life that He wants me to but we all fall short. ALL of us. i just thought i should put that there...alright i'm done! :)

have a blessed day.

EDIT: God understands our prayers, even when we can't find the words to say them.---Unknown.

yup: weed, sex, and cigarettes&beer(when handy).
i love my boyfriend, and my life, as strange as it seems.

i just grew up differently than everyone else: but that's okay.

be your own fucking inspiration.<3(:

i ate meat, i can't do it, i obviously don't want to.

life is: passion, cigarettes, beer, weed, being pissed off but kissing him anyway; sleeping in and not giving a fuck, doing whatever makes you happy and not caring about the consequences. wearing things that obviously clash, and loving the stares you get from people who are not happy. don't let anyone bring you down, you are you and don't let anyone change that. i promise you, it's not worth it....it's not.

surrounded by uncertainty that i'm so unsure of.(:

thought i should post SOMETHING so all i gots is:

still meat-free;
chicago tomorrow.(:
suite hotels=fun.
cool, neon yellow/green polish.(:[because my mommy loves meh.]
still very much in love with blake alexander. he got me this thingy that i hang on my rearview mirror; a hand throwin up a peace sign, cause i'm always doin that(: one month was last wednesday. thought it was sweet of him, considerin i didn't get him anythin and it's something that i like, i absolutely ADORE it, it SO fits me.
um...got some cool heels from belk, and my mommy got me some tanks.[again, she loves me.] and i found a pair of shoes i've had since the 8th grade only wore them like twice, they're in great condition and i fell in love with them again.
had a really bad night the other night(long story).
anddd....i'm just bein lazy and enjoyin my summer, still tryin to find myself!

oh ya, and i'm positive engineering is the way to go fer me. now which school? xD i'm thinkin MUW but we'll see, ima deff have to take the ACT again in the fall and make a lil higher cause that 23 ain't gettin it at the moment lolz. i NEED scholarships, anyone wanna donate me some mulah? didn't think so... d:

be your own inspiration.<3

who's gonna change the world for me?

inspiration.

[in-spuh-rey-shuhn]

–noun



1. an inspiring or animating action or influence: I cannot write poetry without inspiration.
2. something inspired, as an idea.
3. a result of inspired activity.
4. a thing or person that inspires.
5. Theology .
a. a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul.
b. the divine quality of the writings or words of a person so influenced.
6. the drawing of air into the lungs; inhalation.
7. the act of inspiring; quality or state of being inspired.

i found the inspiration.
meat-free for almost two weeks.(:

be your own inspiration.<3

i love art, but i can barely color in the god forsaken lines.

i haven't ate meat all week, and i won't this is my longest streak in 2010 and i be damned if i fuck it up! ;D monday my mom made rotel dip and i almost caved, but i didn't. i know, if i can turn down rotel i'm on the right track! hm, my mom almost took my cell last night because of a misunderstanding and i almost fell apart. other than that, my life has been alright. still in love.(:

remember: be your own inspiration.<3

aren't cherry blossom's just beautiful?

no excuses.

i ate a hotdog&a pork chop. i'll do better today, hopefully.

i went to bay's lake, hung out with my boy, and got my hair braided.
outcome: i can't go anywhere today cause my dad hates me. that's fine with me, because i hate him too. :)

remember: be your own inspiration.<3

hotdogs, splash pad, bay's lake, and blake.(:

saturday:
first of all, let me admit my shame. i ate a hamburger yesterday. one single solitary hamburger. when i got to the picnic they slowly forced me to cook more than 100 hotdogs. i was hot, tired, and delirious. BUT that's no excuse i ate it and it was my fault, i'll do better today.

now to the fun stuff: then we took the little kids to the splash pad and they had a BALL! it was really hot and all of a sudden i got the urge to jump into some water :D so, i mentioned it to my cousin and all of a sudden we had like a mini party at bay's lake here's everyone who went:

in my car a '95 camaro 2d(very small):
me
blake(:
shunda(cousin)
kyrea(")
sasha(shunda's friend)

in my brother's car his is small but bigger than mine:
him
darell(my other brother)
chasity(darell's gf)
callie(chasity's daughter)
nate(chasity's nephew)
kera(cousin)
and like a whole bunch of their friend's including chasity's sister was there.

if you have never been to bay's lake it's out in bankston if you find it i promise you, you'll trip out how much fun it is! and blake getting to go along made it all the better.(: i had never been there before and i really thought it was gonna be lame but after i got comfy with the water i enjoyed myself. it has a little waterfall-type thing. it was cool, i think everyone had fun. just wish i coulda stayed a little longer. i have a feeling, i'm gonna be going out there a LOT this summer; :D

oh ya, and remember it's summer, please enjoy yourself but do it safely. you CAN have fun and be serious all at the same moment.

be your own inspiration.<3

the early bird gets confidence(:

so, it's friday and i'm up at 5:30. my mom says: are you ready? i say: no, i'm going back to sleep.
yah, it ends up i get up anyway which is prolly the most rational thing i have ever done. we went walking downtown, she always does it but i never do. i wasn't going to go but i thought to myself: ill be kicking my own ass if i don't. so, i did. :) and i already see the benefits. i'm a little sleepy, but it didn't help i went to bed at midnight... why am i own here so early, you may ask. because, today i open the museum! :) and after that jobshadowing orientation, so i know if i don't do it now i won't. so guess what i did yesterday? i didn't eat one single solitary piece of meat! well, i think i might've missed a little piece of pepperoni off my pizza last night...): but nevertheless, today will be a better day! this is what i consumed yesterday, in no order:

4 boiled eggs*
3 large pizza slices
beef ramen noodles
bag of doritos
3 c. pickle juice
3 bottles water
3c of  green koolaid

*i don't eat the egg yolk, just the white parts*

thinkin i did pretty coolio compared to what i was doin X) so, yah. our church is having a picnic tomorrow and the most non-meat thing there will be the drinks probably. so i thought i'd do something different and bring a dish i can eat! any ideas? i'm thinkin fruit salad or grape salad. or hell, i might just bring my own lunch if push comes to shove.(that's prolly what i'll do if i can't find anything to bring.)

have a great day, and remember: be your own inspiration.<3

my greatest disappearing act.

so, obviously i haven't blogged in a month yesterday. sorry about that, i promise i will try to blog....weekly. i've mostly been getting used to doing nothing but like, washing dishes apx. twice a day. washing my clothes and cleaning my room whenever and not just on the weekend because i'm like, SWAMPED with school crap. oh ya, and i have a boyyy(: he's like sooo amazing, it's ridiculous. but guess what? my parent's don't like him of course...well, my mom really doesn't have a problem with him. she just doesn't want me to see him like EVERYDAY to prevent us from getting "too serious" which is too late, because im in love. or at least it feels something like that. my dad doesn't like him because of the obvious, he's white. but, as far as i'm concerned, i could care less my dad's opinion on anything. i was talkin to it about my aunt and this was her advice:

don't worry about what they say,

in life you have to make yourself happy.

they can't be in charge of what does and

doesn't make you happy. you're almost 17,

they need to start letting you go, if they don't

you'll leave.

i swear, truer words were never spoken, and i'll remember these words for the rest of my life.(:

sooo moving on to a lighter subject ;D i've been trying to decide what i was gonna busy myself with this summer. welp, unfotunately i'm too young to volunteer at the hospital soooo, i'm JOBSHADOWING! how great is that? i'm not gonna be doing anything in the medical field i'm almost pretty sure. but, i guess it never hurt anyone to make sure you know? i go for orientation for it tomorrow...i'm sooo EXCITED. mostly because i wanted to and no one told me to do it d: oh ya! and there was an ad in the good ole' times record for anyone interested in volunteering at the depot museum, it's only select days. so i called and that's what i'll do tomorrow morning.

something else, i SAID i was gonna go vegetarian this summer and had gave up on it just because of personal reasons. but for some reason my great friend rachel(: you prolly know her firom her wonderful blog about mostly fashion, music, and vegetariansim. she inspires me, like a lot. so, i'm gonna try to give it another go, with a little faith and hope: it will happen. i'm gonna take a little time out of my day to meditate on it, and keep it in my mind. so hopefully, it's all i think about and it'll be easier, starting today! go me! :)

well...i guess that's it and i'll start getting caught up on everyone's life through blogger this morning. hope you all have/had a good day.

maybe one or more of these will inspire you a fraction as much as rachel inspired me today:

when oppurtunity doesn't knock, build a door.

and something i had to realize on my own: happiness is free.

stop the daily routines: live for once.

courage does not always roar,

sometimes courage is the quiet voice

at the end of the day saying:

"i will try again tomorrow."

giving up doesn't always mean you are weak,

sometimes it means you're strong enough to let go.

kind words can be short and easy to speak; but their echos are truly endless.

be your own inspiration.<3

sometimes;

sometimes you just feel

everything and nothing all at once.

sometimes you'll find yourself smiling

whule missing something at the same time.

at times you can absolutely love a person,

all the while wanting to hate them.

life comes without guarantees.

except that smiling will brighten your face,

laughing will enhance your eyes,

and falling in love will change your life.

i've been uber busy and will be...sooo until school gets out bear with me.
i got my mom some of these mother's day, and her fav candy and a card.

she was pretty content...oh ya, i got some fly shades..they're amazing.
i love the earthbound shop trading co store. it's amazing.

im in love;

with janis joplin:

being a intellectual creates a lot of questions with no answers.

you know why we're stuck in the myth that only black people have soul? because white people don't let them feel things.



and cody kimbrell for letting me borrow guitar hero. :D

when i grow up; (sunflowers)

i'm gonna be 5'9. for all of you who don't know me, im 5'0....flat.

no, on a serious note. i'm gonna do a double major in environmental engineering and journalism. (for this week) plus my outside of work life that will bring me great fullfillment: children, husband, family, garden, animals, and faith. my life will NOT be as boring as my childhood.

update: got some plants from the nursing home to go with my petunias in the front yard, no clue what they are yet. just some flowers that came back from next year. put some daffodils in the back yard, by my tree. they will come back plentifully next year hopefully. maybe i will start at bevill, they have a pre-engineering program and it's connected with auburn. PLUS, i can continue to learn about gardens and planting. oh yeah, and im on a search for sunflowers...anyone wanna donate? xD

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

story of the sunflower as told in My Antonia:

“All the years that have passed have not dimmed my memory of that first glorious autumn. The new country lay open before me: there were no fences in those days, and I could choose my own way over the grass uplands, trusting the pony to get me home again. Sometimes I followed the sunflower-bordered roads. Fuchs told me that the sunflowers were introduced into that country by the Mormons; that at the time of the persecution, when they left Missouri and struck out into the wilderness to find a place where they could worship God in their own way, the members of the first exploring party, crossing the plains to Utah, scattered sunflower seeds as they went. The next summer, when the long trains of wagons came through with all the women and children, they had the sunflower trail to follow. I believe that botanists do not confirm Fuch’s story, but insist that the sunflower was native to those plains. Nevertheless, that legend has stuck in my mind, and sunflower-bordered roads always seem to me the roads to freedom.”

another fact about sunflowers is that they follow the sun. TECHINICALLY it's cause plants are phototropic, do it to help photosynthesis, blah blah blah, etc, etc. but i think it's gods way of showing us a model of how our life's supposed to be. i mean, aren't we supposed to keep our eye on the prize, aka going to heaven? even if that means "turning" our back on everything we love? we might have to move around a lot to get there, but hey! it'll be worth it right? haha, dont ask! i had a philisophical moment there, haha! here's a fun little story about how they came about, if you're into greek mythology:

The legend has it that once upon a time, Clytie, a dryad, deeply fell in love with Apollo, the God of the Sun. But Apollo felt no love for her. Hence, all she could do was just sit and fix her eyes only on her beloved sun from sunrise until sunset. Magically, the body of Clytie was changed into a sunflower. Her legs turned to be the stem while the face became the flower. Her gold hair became the yellow petals. Though in the form of a flower, Clytie still turned her face to the sun all the time. That is why the sunflower always turns its head to the sun.

i'm donee for the day :D

yours forever,

dionne

sittin at a bar(bartender song) - rehab

like i promised...here it is :D

Bar tender I really did it this time

Broke my parole to have a good time

When I got home it was 6 a.m.

The door was locked so I kicked it in

She was trippin' on the bills

I think she was high on some pills

She threw my shit out into the yard

Then she called me a bum and slapped me real hard

And in my drunkin' stooper

I did what I should of never done

Now I'm sittin' here talking to you

Drunk and on the run

I'm sittin' at a bar on the inside

Waitin' for my ride on the outside

She broke my heart in the trailer park

So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car

Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

You know mo I'll probably get ten years

So just give me beers 'til they get here

Yeah I know the sun is comin' up

And yall are probably gettin' ready for closin' up

But I'm trying to drown my soul

I'm tired of this life on a dirt road

And everything that I love is gone

And I'm tired of hangin' on

She got me sittin' at a bar on the inside

Waitin' for my ride on the outside

She broke my heart in the trailer park

So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car

Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

I guess it's meant to be

Romance is misery

So much for memories

And now I'm headed to the Penitentiary

See me on T.V.

The next cop series

I am a danger

I guess I should've done something about my anger

But I'll never learn

Real things I don't concern

I pour kerosene on everything I love and watch it burn

I know it's my fault

But I wasn't happy it was over

She through a fit so I crashed that piece a shit nova

And now I'm goin' back again

Back to the pen to see my friends

And when we all pile out that county van

They'll ask me where I've been

I've been at a bar on the inside

Waitin' for my ride on the outside

She broke my heart in the trailer park

So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car

Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

this song wa intended to be funny but there are people out there that actually live this this is like their anthem. but i love it! xD