counting sheep;

you are so not

worth this pain in
my abdomen.


somewhere between
sending you love
and scrubbing this
away, i lost
eternity.


i know you do
not care but that
five page text mes-
sage had my soul
embedded in-
side. i also
know you do not
care that i count
syllables and
they have to be
even numbers.


and i hate you.

i have come to the conclusion that i am the only person in the world that fixes peoples' hearts. why? because nobody has EVER tried to fix mine. how? i give them mine, until theres is okay, and when they're done they give it back into a million little pieces.

so, i hold back my tears and watch them settle for people like her, and hate people like me. when once upon a time, we frolicked in fields of tomorrow, and sweaty palms, and hoping that this lasts forever.

it happens everytime, and the outcome is still the same.

im single, and to be forreal..i dont think i have ever felt so free.(:

now, i think i can focus on me and my writing..try to. xD

my  week was going good, but i shoud've known something would ruin it. after being asleep for 3hrs, i find out that i apparently did things i didnt.

1) i wish people would stay outta my business and get in their own lives.
2) i don't like no shit like that.
3) i hope it gets better.
4) i'm pretty sure God has disowned me. i'm back to my oldways but i'm gonna start back praying..

i love my life.

God is truly amazing. and weed is great too, and i think i might have it right this time. :)

"i don't wash my pants, i like to keep the night on them."--nick, nick and norah's infinite playlist.

oh ya, and i love my friends. when i went to pick up my schedule i went a little early to conversate and we talked a little bit. they're amazinggg. :) they truly are.

it's about giving glory to Christ.

before i get into my post real good i want to rant that i hate waking up at 6 am and fightin to get back to sleep because sun is in my face...thank you.

now, i have never really truly believed in God. not like i am now. i started praying a few weeks ago at night then i got to where i would pray when i woke up and then i started during the day mostly just giving thanks to him. but i started having doubts and battles and decided what could hurt by me asking for strength, so i really started to do it daily&reading my Bible once a day( i have scriptures in my notepad on my cell now, :) ). and i noticed a little improvement in how i handled situations. and what a coincidence that my family started having financial troubles&me and my moms relationship kinda went to crap in a hr and i seriously started praying like 5xs a day, not counting before i went to bed and woke up. and i won't be specific, but He has really started blessing me in so many ways, especially today. and i've noticed i'll start thinking and BAM something else happens and i immediately pray and thank him, it's like he's answering me almost immediately. i've kinda sorta changed my life around i'm trying this whole not drinking or getting high but i still do smoke and i pretty much haven't sweared in the past 24hrs and it's getting easier the more i ask for strength. there is no way that i would have been able to deal with this if it wasn't for Him. if you show Him that you're trying and He sees it's honest and true in your heart...He WILL give you what you NEED, it might not be what or when you imagined but He'll definitely give it to you. everything He does has a reason and a season. if you give him a inch, He will give you a mile. i have noticed just by this small change what He has done, i can't even imagine if i COMPLETELY live by His Word. right now i'm trying to compromise with Him and i know you're not supposed to do that lol, but i think He knows eventually i'll come around.

another thing i noticed, the love that i feel in my heart, i was reading somewhere that our love and His love is completely different, you can't unconditionally love someone, if your boy/girlfriend broke up with you and called you the most vile things you can say would you still love them? no, that's conditional. He loves us no matter how many times we swear Him off, or say He isn't real or deny Him He still loves and cares, and watches over us. that's unconditional. and if He can love me after the things that i've done and hid in my heart, and thought...i'm pretty sure i can put a tremendous effort into obeying Him and showing/proving to Him how much i appreciate and love Him. his grace IS truly amazing. and step 1 is with this post. if i could return to Him a fraction of what He has given me in these past few days...i would be set. take this from a seventeen year old, hormonal, excutter, pot smoker, drinker, pill taker. He is the best thing that has happened to me and will be until the day i die. my life is His, and no one elses.(:

btw, i am nowhere near perfect and i try to do what i'm supposed to and live the life that He wants me to but we all fall short. ALL of us. i just thought i should put that there...alright i'm done! :)

have a blessed day.

EDIT: God understands our prayers, even when we can't find the words to say them.---Unknown.